Sorry you are struggling so much. I too have great difficulty with the holidays. I grew up in an abusive home and presently have no contact with family as a way of protecting myself. I am divorced, no family, and find that my friends are "good time" friends. I recently lost an excellent job with great pay (downsizing) and am having difficulty finding a comparable job. I live alone and with out working spend way to much time alone. I was always able to cope with my depression when I had work as an outlet. I just can't seem to find happiness in this world. I try to deal with things through exercise, but recently this doesn't seem to help. Without an income I cannot afford therapy. I've started using food to fill the hole within me and have recently gained a significant amount of weight, I need to get things turned around and am having difficulty. I hope by connecting with people in the same state of mind I can get insight and understanding to help me move forward.