if i get the money, i can't help it thats my problem... but being im financially impaired and have no choice but to help it im put in a position where my mind goes places or goes to past times where i used to recreate the scenes so that i can perfect my .. interactions.. with people ... and drugs.. if that makes sense.. to increase the high.. or how to get more for less... or what i should of done different...

i dont see how you say that meth is just refined heroin though... since its an upper and heroin is a downer... and heroin being made from opium and meth from chemical reactions into amphetamines...

i am at a point where last time i took 25mg percocet and didnt feel anything besides getting annoyed because i didnt feel anything... thats why i want the heroin obviously... but dont want it because i do like it so much and dont want myself to get trapped like my brothers did... i havent used meth in 2 weeks or so i think or any opiates in longer than that

i dunno why my opiate tolerance doesnt go down

sorry about my posts, it is difficult because i do feel so disconnected and void of everything that should be human... just very very empty and null..

i had appointment today with case manager and had to fill out treatment plans, one of which popped up turned out to be a substance abuse treatment plan and i didnt really want to fill it out today but i went ahead and did it

she said that i seem to be doing really well and look very good and that i am doing constructive things keeping myself busy, which i am staying busy and keeping myself distracted from the mental illness and the worries and anxiety/ptsd... she said a lot of things that i agree with but she doesnt realize that the things that work for me are things that she wouldnt agree with at the moment but i couldn't tell her exactly what i am doing right now... at the end i did tell her that i drank a 22oz beer and smoked a blunt over the weekend, which she told me about having control and asked if i got intoxicated but i told her i didnt get intoxicated from the beer but i did get high, its just that im trying to get through this year and then if nothing solid happens for me ima just let all the bull **** out and probably get kicked out of my dads house or end up dead because ima tell them whats goin on inside my head about not being able to control the thoughts for one and how bad its gotten because i have given up and that i have not really been lieing just haven't been telling everything

its just funny, a group of people say im doing great, another group says i need to go to the hospital, i feel like i've lost my mind and dont know what to do besides get high because nothing else is working for me; i feel better when im high but everyone else has a problem with it

im overwhelmed at the moment and cant think straight and have to go again, dad is always in a rush, will be back later... have to take care of business...

sorry again... im trying to do the best i can