There’s this guy far away in another country… we’ve met online in 2001. We’ve always kept in touch through these years, even though often months would pass without exchanging a word. When we were talking, we liked to fantasize about being together, getting married and having kids. At the beginning i was more serious than now. I fell in love, then not, then yes again, then not again etc…. To the point i dont know anymore. It all still seems just fantasy. We’ve met in person only once but we didnt dare to even kiss…

Now, i was thinking about visitng him in his country (just for the trip itself and see if there might be something between us) while he was planning on coming in my country this fall and staying for about a month. We’ve talked about living together in a rented flat during his visit. This is becoming real and its scaring me more than i thought.

Problem is, i know myself pretty well and even though i like to imagine myself “settled down”, the thought of living with someone scares and disgusts me. Putting aside kissing (which i dont like) and having sex (could easily do without it), sleeping with someone, im not sure i could do that. I hate hearing people breathing, let alone snoring. Then… i would not have my alone time, my space anymore? How can i do without it???? Being always with someone? Having to talk? To touch and be touched? Always having to account for everything to him? and what if i cant stand him? im so used to being alone…. Maybe its too late for me?

He is planning on coming to live here, getting a job here, marrying me etc. and im not sure i’d want it even if only in my fantasies… what am i doing? And what am i doing to him?
For me its easier since i plan on dying anyway… if it goes bad i can kill myself and if it goes well i can kill myself too…. This is what is going on in my head…. What am i doing? Living two parallel lives… ???

One step at a time…. writing this im realizing it would be wiser for me to go visit him for a few days and see how it goes… but i dont even know how to tell him, he would be mad and disappointed because he is so confident it will all go greatly. i cant ruin his plans???

I know this all may sound crazy and maybe it is…. He and me…. Maybe we’re crazy. Or desperate. He seems so sure of everything… but i dont know…. Part of me wants it to go well and part of me thinks it wont because…. being with people tires me and im not even meant to be happy, it is not who i am or in my plans.

Your opinions? Suggestions? I’ll appreciate any input really. Thank you