T today...talked some about phone call with MC and how I felt it had helped me.

Which led to me saying to her (through tears) how it's difficult and rather confusing for me when she's critical of MC. I said it's almost like "Mom" being critical of "Dad." She said how she'd referred us to MC and that she wouldn't have done that if she didn't "trust and respect him." Then I said I guessed it was partly that she was trying to look out for me and my best interests. She said that was true and that sometimes she was concerned that it could go in a loop with me being dependent, and his responding, and getting stuck in that. Then she said, "I worry about dependency and codependency issues there." Which struck me rather oddly because that implies she's potentially labeling MC as being co-dependent... I probably should have pursued that more at the time with her, because I'm wondering what she meant in regard to his side of that.

I commented on how I'd sent multiple texts and a somewhat harsh e-mail (which I shared with T) to MC and was concerned I was being really annoying. T didn't really react to that, just sort of shrugged a little. I said I tend to worry because she said at one point that my e-mailing had gotten annoying. SHe said, "I never called it 'annoying.'" I said she had implied it by saying how my e-mails kept getting longer and longer and more and more frequent. She said that ethically, you're supposed to treat all clients equally, with equal time and attention. And she only has so much time. I said in the past, she'd said how only a couple of her clients e-mailed. She replied that even if they didn't e-mail, the equal time thing still applied. Which...is not something she'd mentioned before in terms of e-mail. So I felt kind of weird about that.

Talked a bit more about transference stuff from the call, etc. I said how it had helped me and that it helps to talk about that stuff with MC (this was mostly in relation to what he'd said in the call about how working through transference isn't so much about logic or figuring it out, but going through the feelings and emotions). That I know I'm supposed to be working on it with T instead, but I wasn't sure how much that was helping me. How I'll talk about it, and she'll seem sympathetic about it, maybe ask me a couple questions, but I'm not getting all that much insight. She said it's more for me to work on--that she thinks it *is* partly the logic, the figuring it out--and that I do much of that on my own time. So she could share ideas and theories and stuff (like maybe this is due to x from your childhood), but they might not be accurate because they're not coming from me. Which I can understand to some extent, but it still doesn't feel like talking about that with her is working/helping, aside from just being able to talk to *someone* about it. Especially when it's mixed in with her being critical of MC--she also said something negative today about his use of sports analogies.

We were about out of time, and I said how we'd already scheduled for two weeks from now. She was like, "That's right--have a great time on your vacation!" I said maybe I should have talked more about strategies for that (going with H, D, and my parents), but she was like, "No, just go and 'do you.'" As in be true to myself, don't worry so much about what my parents say/think. Which is easy for her to say!

The past few sessions, she's held out her arms for a hug at the end, but this time she didn't. I didn't ask for one either. The session had just felt a little weird to me...I don't know. Maybe having a few doubts about her again as my T...but I guess I have 2 weeks to think on it.