Well, I’m still an %#@&#! despite several months of therapy. I spoke with my friend again Christmas Eve on the phone. We were having a nice conversation catching each other up on the holiday on goings. She is facing a lot of challenges but remains very positive. After about 20 minutes the conversation changes quickly. She mentions that she saw one of the boys from our neighborhood. He was a very troubled neighborhood predator who has spent most of his adult life in prison or drug rehab. As she continues to speak she says, ‘you know, he showed signs of his oppressive behavior way back in 5-6th grade…..’ Then my habit of being a closed off %#@&#! took over. Before I could stop myself I said, “I can’t go there, I really cannot go there.” “Now that I have children I realize how f’ed up our childhood was.” “My kids are totally clueless about stuff.” She changed the subject and we talked about a few other things and getting together sometime over the break. After I hung up I realized that I had shutdown and retreated from the past yet again and missed another opportunity to express what I wanted to say to her. I later text messaged her apologizing for being an %#@&#! and reiterating my wanting to come visit and take her out to lunch. I’ve also left her a voice message. Both have gone unanswered. I am such an %#@&#!!