Tonight as I pen this, I'm feeling profoundly sad....I'd spoken in my last post about having images of my ex coming unbidden into my head, now they're constant.... and my heart hurts.
I understand the mechanics of grief, but it doesn't take the hurt away... I'm finding my mind drifts to the "what -if" , the "if I could go back".
What made it worse,was on Friday, I'd found out that the two coworkers that I was griping about (which led to my unceremonious firing) are being fired, for reasons I'd complained about.
Now I find myself thinking that if those two oxygen thieves had been fired sooner, I wouldn't have been fired, I would most likely would not have had a nervous breakdown, and wouldn't have f*cked up my marriage.... and I wouldn't be sitting in a tiny room, hating myself, pushing everyone away, and want to either curl up in a ball, or walk off of a bridge.
I find as soon as I lay my head down I think of he, I feel sick to my stomach, I wake up to despair, and that profound lonliness ......
All I want right now is to be able to tell her I'm sorry.... and to have her hear it.... but that is a fantasy, and a damned impossibility. My marriage is long done, had been done for a year before all this, according to the ex,and I know it and accept it.
I know this is a part of the grieving process, but it still eats at me so....