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09:02 PM

This is the hardest thing I have ever said. I didnt find a thread about this so i guess its not a normal problem so im actually a freak show. No one knows this. I doubt even my sister does. Even I forgot it and suddently remembered days ago. We have a 6 yo difference, me being the oldest sister. This happened maybe when I was 9-10, maybe 11! I don't remember how long but I think it was for a while. But I dont know, maybe months... I dont have the time clear. Somehow this disappeared from my brain, maybe because I couldn't deal with this. I had a feeling we did something, but I had a nightmare the other niht and suddently remember more things. I can't even write this quickly its so hard I just want to die I don't deserve to be alive.

Possible trigger:

I think we messed with being one on top of the other doing movements (of course i started it) and I basically got down on her and rubbed myself against her thigh. I remember one day I was like: try it! (for her to go down on me), but she didnt like it and i didnt say anything more (BUT THEN I REMEMBER THE OPPOSITE: me being very insistent for her to do it or even forcing her i dont know if i could trust my brain im so ****ed up i deserve to die. I didn't know exactly what sex was until when I was 9 and a half, but I thought it was just between men and women. I didnt know oral sex existed or any other thing. Later, i somehow began to understand, I freaked out and was like: I NEED TO STOP THIS. In general, I think I was like: lets do it! and she was like: okayyy (like she didnt mind but that doesnt count because she was a CHILD and she didnt know anything)

Also, I liked when she sucked my ear and I would tell her to do it but she always laughed about it or was like: okayyyy. And as for her, the MOST important person in this story: she doesn't seem to remember anything! except for the ear thing. She sometimes jokes about how I loved having my ears licked And I'd be like: thats... true (i didnt even remember that). She doesnt have any problems (shes a bit competitive over grades but I think thats her personality) and we have a normal and very close sibling relationship. Shes happy and normal. But I remember and I just want this to end. I can't tell this to anyone else because I'm sure I will feel worse. Right now, I dont have the force to commit suicide but I want to disappear suddently. If god exists I should be going to hell.

Has someone heard of something like this? The worst thing is that I cant find myself to talk to her like before because I'm so ashamed of what I did and she just DOESNT KNOW. And I dont care our relationship stops working because she should hate me and she will be happier if im not in her life, Its so ****ed up what i did and the worst thing is that i didnt know or maybe my brain locked itself so that i didnt have to suffer this remorse but its too late now. I wish I had died before i did that.

Now I'm 20 and I can't stop feeling nauseous even thinking about this. I vomited 3 times tonight and I can't tell anyone why. I think I may have told her not to tell mom and dad so MAYBE I KNEW IT WAS WRONG. IM A MONSTER I CANNOT KEEP LIVING AND DISGRACE MY LOVED ONES EVEN MORE. Now what if i actually did a lot more to her and dont remember? Im so afraid, i want this to end! I want to start a bad relationship and someone to treat me so badly and hurt me. Its what i deserve: to live in misery.

You can't understand even in my worst nightmares would I have lived something like this. I suddently don't know myself I had a perfect life: My family is caring and amazing, im in college and everything was fine but now I no longer exist.