Thank you so much for your responses. Currently I don't have a therapist, therapy ended in december and I am still waiting to hear back from an organisation about a self-help group (ironic, isn't it

). Pretty isolated here and since I was doing well for some time I don't know who to talk to anymore when I am feeling down. My friends seem like "not that again", so I don't tell them, start feeling isolated and end up in said circle. I might have to look for another therapist, but that can take months and it might get complicated with my health insurance (I'm not going to complain about european health insurance to people from the US, but its a concern). I scheduled a meeting with the psych service at my university and hopefully get some support there in case I struggle again. I felt so stupid about it all, thank you for saying it is not my fault.
Yesterday I took a day off from work, cleaned my floor (which made me feel so much better?!) and went to volunteer at a local language course for refugees in the evening. Everyone who was learning and teaching there was so nice and committed it was pure joy to be with them.
On bad days I seem to be forgetting that ups and downs in life are normal and that everything passes. (I made a sticky note and put it on my bathroom wall to remind me)
Hugs to you all! I hope you have a day that has more of the good than the bad <3