It sounds like it was difficult for her, but she did eventually acknowledge that she grabbed the phone. And it sounds like there was a productive discussion, that make her think. It sounds like she did not out-and-out reject what you had to say.

that is true. but the fact remains that she a/ did grab the phone real real fast and b/ said later on that if she let me look inside, she's afraid i'll find something that i'll misinterpret and take out of context. she's used that 'out of context' line before and i don't buy it. i really do believe she's got on there that she really does not want to see. what i do with that belief is where i wobble.

absolutely correct and it's what i hopefully will do if i think she's lied again. right now, there's no way for me to know exactly what she's up to, if anything. until december, we're living 3000 miles apart. so, if i continue to see her, i'm going to have to put my suspicions on the back burner until i'm once again a part of her daily orbit.

That definitely is a long ways and a long time.

Yup. Anything could go on there and I'd never know.

What you said about being dispassionate is really important in my view. When you feel the anger or other negative feelings rising, my advice is to set the matter aside until the passions and more calm. Take a cold shower if you need to! Setting the passions aside may well be a challenging task, but very important in my view. Do all you can to avoid thinking, speaking, or acting with regard to her when you are in the throes of some negative passion(s).

this is so true. one thing i have in my corner that i didn't have before is sobriety. one drink and i'll be accusing left and right. at the moment, i don't have that feeling. let's hope it stays that way.

I could be wrong, but i don't see you realizing what to do on a single day where you have a sudden epiphany. I think it will be a gradual shift in your thinking over time, a gradual growth of clarity. In time, you will, I believe, find your way.

Agreed. More extremely, there's one train of thought that says that the moment she started lying and dodging about various and sundry she lost the right, as it were, to be trusted and because of that needs to re/earn trust by being 100% transparent with her online activities or else the relationship can't and shouldn't continue.

this means that, for us to continue, she'd have to give me complete access to her phone and laptop and when she's told this, she'd have to do it right then, before she can wipe her electronics clean. If there's nothing on them other than clear skies, peaches and cream, okay, she's earned trust. If there is, or if she refuses to give access, i'll have already told her the consequences: we can't go on .

Like I said, that's one train of thought and pretty extreme. OTOH, it would allow me to gauge her truthfulness pdq. i mean, she could say no way, because of her god given right to privacy. i could say, you lost that right when you lied, so it's up to you and your choice: open your phone and laptop or be gone with you.

i really do wonder what her choice might be.

I have no clue.


Thank you so much for your very kind words!