It's just so hard for me to understand why she has done this several times over the course of therapy. It seems to be almost the only thing that keeps rearing its ugly head over and over again.

What makes it even harder to understand is that my t usually has to talk me into relying on her support, such as touching base while she is on vacation. We've had problems in the past with her not being available when she says she will be, and then I get hurt feelings. So now, I am very reluctant to reach out for support like that because I don't want to be hurt again. I would never come out and ask her if I could email her on vacation, for example. That was her idea.

The hardest part of this situation, aside from the fact that it keeps occurring, is that it ends up making me feel the same way I did with my parents as a child when I was in crisis and needed their support and help. At best, my mom would say "Oh, it will be OK" or "I wouldn't worry about it" without actually offering help. At worst, she would pretend like she didn't notice I was having a problem. Or, when I tried to let her know I was upset or worried about something, my dad would tell me "Quit whining" or "Don't bother your mom. She has had a hard day." I felt very much like my problems and emotional pain were unimportant to my parents, if not an actual irritation. My t knows all of this already because we've talked about my past a lot.

My t finally replied yesterday to some of the things I'd written. I feel even more confused now. She said this:

How great that this time around, you can safely say all the things to me that you couldn't and haven't been able to say to your parents. How disappointed and hurt you were by them when they weren't there for you. Take this in, as it can be a path to some healing.
I understand that you likely will experience this as not supportive again, but imagine my shock in reading your angry messages when my experience was the polar opposite. I felt myself very present for you and waiting for updates from you. It's natural that parts of you would experience my absence as rejecting, as it's much easier to push away and keep yourself safe if you think I'm like all the others who have abandoned you in some way.

I feel even more confused now. How could she think it was present and supportive to reply to my bid for support with a two-sentence answer that felt canned, and then ignore me when I told her I was upset?

It sounds like she thinks that I am just angry at her for going on a trip, so I'm finding fault as a way of distancing from her. In other words, she is seeing this as an angry transference reaction directed towards her because of my past, rather than seeing my feelings of hurt and anger as being connected to her offering support and then dropping the ball.

I'm even more confused now and don't know what to think or do. I'm under too much stress already with my mother-in-law's dementia and my husband's very poor health, I feel like I'm barely holding it together as it is. I don't want to be having problems with my therapist too.

Today, all my hurt and anger is gone. All that is left are feelings of regret for having expressed any angry or hurt feelings toward my t to start with. I feel like all it did was screw things up more between us. I sent her an apology and asked her to please just forget this ever happened, that I am just under too much pressure and can't think well. I've canceled my session for the week too. I just can't deal with everything going on right now. I feel like I'm going to crack any minute.

It's odd that my t made the statement that I can safely say to her the feelings of disappointment and hurt that I couldn't say to my parents. I don't agree completely with her statement. I'm not sure it was safe for me to say those things to her. Because I didn't react well to her two sentences of support, and I said so, I felt like she punished me by giving me the silent treatment and refusing to respond at all after that.