After getting my t's last message, I sent her this:

R,

I'm sorry you felt shocked by my angry message. My intention wasn't to shock or offend you; it was to tell you I felt confused and disconnected by your reply to me. I didn't see how it applied to my situation.

To my recollection, this is what happened.

1. I emailed you and told you how much difficulty I was having coping.

2. You sent two sentences back.

3. I felt hurt because I needed more support than two sentences. Also, I didn't understand how your second sentence even related to my situation. My experience was of feeling confused and disconnected from you. So I emailed and told you how I felt.

4. You ignored my message.

5. The next day, I sent an email inquiry, "Did you receive my message from yesterday?"

6. You replied Yes, but you decided you weren't going to explain yourself in an email.

7. I hoped you would offer a quick phone call to clarify things since you knew I felt hurt...or at least that you might reply, "I think we miscommunicated. Let's talk it over when I see you next time," but you didn't. You just stated that you weren't going to explain it. I felt very hurt and dismissed. I also regretted having said anything to you, because it felt as though you were punishing me with silence.

8. I emailed: "It seems that you've decided not to communicate with me, so I will respect your decision."

9. You ignored my message.

10. By then, I felt so abandoned! I sent you one last message to explain how I felt, and I told you this time that I would not expect a reply.

11. You finally replied, telling me you were glad for the words because it would assist us in our work, etc..

Based on the interactions between us, I didn't experience you as being present with me or supportive. I'm confused about how you perceived that you were? I don't know why we saw things totally opposite.

I didn't experience your trip as rejecting. It was the interactions between us that made me feel rejected. I am not trying to see you like all the others who have abandoned me. But when you say you are there for me, and then you are not, how am I supposed to feel?

I'm more than happy to be corrected if what I stated above isn't true. But this is what I experienced.

T

I sent it yesterday and so far, she has not replied. If she doesn't, I guess I'm going to take a break from therapy for 2-3 weeks until I feel like I can see this situation more objectively.

Right now, the therapy relationship is feeling more stressful than helpful. I don't know how to clear up this misunderstanding, and fear it may not be possible. This whole issue of my needing more support than she seems able to give has come up so many times already. I don't think it's resolvable.

From now on, I am not going to send her any more email for any reason, no matter how much she tells me it's OK. I've said this before, and then caved after she talked me into doing it again, only to have something similar happen again. It always happens again.

Also, I'm not going to ask her for more support. I'll take what she gives me and deal with it. If it's not enough, I'll have to provide it for myself. I just can't keep going through this kind of situation again and again. It's like being stuck in a psychological Groundhog Day.