i know about speed balling...

i have problems, i grew up in this stuff... around alcohol, coke, crack, weed, speed...

i dont know how to live

i dont want to be like this, it makes me feel nauseous thinking about how my life is

but its the only way i know, its how i have survived my whole life, all the pain, all the strife

im at a point where i doint want to live anymore and inside im scared of what i am going to do, i dont really want to die but i dont know how anything can get better so i just try to keep it all blocked out but as long as im sober its harder to just block it out

being intoxicated i can just be someone else and have a different life, i forget about all the pain and ****, i can laugh and play and people like to be around me and thats something i've never had

im still sober... im getting depressed... i just cant deal with my problems in life...
tired of feeling suicidal feelings