My T, pdoc, friends, fiance and my mom don't know what to do anymore. Neither do I, so I don't hold a grudge.

Here's a little bit of what's going on:

1. My anxiety has increased exponentially. My panic attacks are more frequent and more difficult to ground myself from.

2. My hypervigilance is a lot worse, too. I can't rest because I become convinced that someone, maybe even someone I trust is coming to hurt and/or kill me.

3. My depression is really rearing its head. I can't sleep but can't muster motivation to do anything (unless it's fear based). I also can't eat.

4. I also can't eat or sleep well anymore because I've been experiencing a lot more intrusive thoughts and memories. Memories I can somewhat deal with but the thoughts are overwhelmingly violent and traumatizing in and of themselves. These images get into my head and make me panic and obsess that they've either already happened or will. They get into my dreams too and cause some pretty bad nightmares.

5. After doing alright for a bit, I've begun hallucinating again. It gets worse as my anxiety increases I've noticed. It's also contributing to my lack of sleep and my difficulty to eat.

6. My urges to self-harm are at a very high extreme. Anything for relief, that's all I want.

7. My suicidal thoughts that have never really gone away are at an all-time high. I can't stop thinking about it, planning it and obsessing over it. It doesn't bring me any relief to write it down or talk about it, so I won't go into detail.

At this point my T is talking about a long-term hospital stay upstate. He won't force me, though. He says I have to agree to it before he starts the process. It's a big decision for me and I don't know if I can do it. I'm scared. I'm really ****ing scared. I hate feeling this way and I just need it to end. Other than the hospital idea, no one seems to be offering any other options. And I don't think I can afford the hospital.

I'm sorry this is so long, I just needed to get this all out. I don't know what to do from here. And I feel so alone right now.

I need some help.