Hi guys. Really could do with a bit of advice and support at the moment, or maybe just to get this off my chest. I know I post a lot about social anxiety and identity which are my other anxieties and problems, so I do apologise that this seems something so different.

As well as these other problems I also suffer from contamination ocd and what I think is possibly trichotillomania (undiagnosed but will explain!). I'm going through a particularly bad patch of this at the moment and my anxiety is through the roof with coping with it.

My contamination ocd is based on catching either HIV or hepatitis C. Not from the usual, risky routes normally but from just casually going about my day, being around people, touching things they've touched etc. My obsessions centre around these thoughts of what if someone bled on that? I know that hiv does not survive well in the environment, and that both are not really passed on through the ways I'm most worried about.

My compulsions are: hand washing, rumination, asking for reassurance, checking and dreaded Dr Google mainly. They take up so much time and stop me from enjoying my day for what it is. I can't remember an hour gone by, let alone a day, where one of these thoughts hasn't preoccupied my mind.

I also have this thing about picking at my scalp. I do it all the time but especially when I'm stressed. I don't pick it until it bleeds, however have accidentally caused it to bleed before. This actually makes the worry about catching something worse as I worry it will get into my body through me picking my scalp! But I can't seem to stop. It doesn't help that my head is so itchyat the moment from the chlorine in the pool once I've touched my scalp even to scratch it, that's it, I start picking.

At the moment I am on holiday and I think it's the new environment that has gradually taken it's toll. Everywhere I go there are crowds of people, I'm at disney world so everytime I go on a ride hundreds of people will have touched the same seat, the seatbelt, etc. Then there's the debacle of using a public toilet which again has been sat on by hundreds of women that day alone. I try to use the seat covers but they get stuck to me which causes even more trauma. Also being in crowds in general is worrying me. I'm terrified someone will touch me who has an open cut on them. To me every person is a risk and I can't even let them come near me, disney world is very very busy. There's no way I can get through one day without a couple of strangers touching me.

I felt better when my other half was here. Seeing him interact with the environment so care freely made me feel like I could do the same. I know a lot of my worries come from a lack of self esteem and I worry that if I catch something like this then my other half will just leave me, he might even think I cheated on him! At the same time I'm scared I'll give him something too, and I'm constantly looking out for him getting symptoms.

Each day at the moment is mentally exhausting and I'm performing my rituals constantly, particularly checking (i.e. the toilet seats and everything I touch) and using hand sanitiser on my hands all the time, coming home and googling about if it was possible that I caught hepatitis etc. Honestly, id have so much extra time if I didn't have all these rituals to do.

It doesn't help that my dad is not understanding at all. He doesn't get it. He says it's not logical, I won't get anything. He even said its the one thing about me that annoys him and I need to snap out of it. I tell him, how do you think I feel? It annoys me having it! I'd give anything to get rid of it.

When I'm not worried about things happening that day I'm worried about past exposures instead. I went out with someone who had a bit of an iffy past and I was worried for a while about catching both of these diseases from him, even though we were careful and didn't have much intimacy. I've been tested for both diseases and the tests came back negative. However I find myself googling about the tests, how accurate they are, windowperiods etc. Atm my main worry is that my hepatitis c test won't have picked up an infection. Many sites say you need to wait 6 months, others say 3, my test was about 4 months after (I think!) My exposure was low risk as technically it isn't an STI... I don't know, maybe I'm seeking reassurance here as that is what I'm obsessing about at the moment.

I don't know, I'm just so tired of it. I'm waiting for therapy at the moment. The waiting list was a year long. Really I know what I need to do which is to try and reduce my compulsions but I find it so hard and have no support at home. Maybe my partner would help but don't want to burden him

Any advice?? Anyone in the same boat??

Thanks for reading!