I just want to write this down somewhere. My mother has been ill for 5 years and now is refusing treatment. I know she will die soon if she doesn't get her treatment. The thing is, I don't care. I know if it falls to me to bring her to the doctor, I would not do it. I would get someone else to do it. A lot of people feel guilty about putting their parents in nursing homes, but honestly, I would not feel any guilt at all. I would feel relief. I guess this is more motivation for me to get a high paying job so I can get rid of this responsibility.

Anyway, I find that I don't care at all about my mother. I know I should feel something, but I don't. It takes a great effort for me to even muster up the energy to think about her. I am usually good at imagining someone else's point of view (at least I think I am), but here I have to gather up so much energy to even consider her. We have had a fraught relationship but shouldn't I feel something? I have imagined her death many times and can see myself simply going on as usual. I don't think I would need to grieve.

I wonder if this is how I was raised. I'm not sure I would be any different towards any of my potential children.

Recently I have been in touch with people I might have a fun time with (yes, I'm back on those horrible dating sites). But I have not taken them up on their offers and haven't really wanted to negotiate an understanding for how we spend time together. I honestly feel that I could handle a casual acquaintanceship where we kind of hang out and get along. They're not asking for sex because I listed myself as asexual. They have been respectful and pretty cool about things. But, still, I feel that this is a burden I don't need. I just don't think of people. It's tiresome.

I also think there is something deep down in me that doesn't feel trusting or comfortable/compatible around these people, even if I know they'd let me leave any time I wanted and things such as our kinks, my mental issues and non-whiteness are already out in the open (kink dating website). And honestly, if I'm just going for a casual acquaintanceship, then we don't have to be so compatible.

(On some level, vanilla or not, I am afraid of being pulled into a huge mess where someone dies and I have to hide the body, or something dramatic like that.)

So I'm wondering if this is related to my mother. Perhaps the mother thing isn't the cause, but maybe it's kind of the same thing as the relationship thing. Maybe there is some kind of deep-seated wrongness or unsafeness about all of this, and I'm searching for something secure and right. But at the same time, why can't I just let go and have meaningless fun with some other people? If I don't care so much, I should be able to go out with these people. I seem uncaring but also too serious.

I don't know. I've been posting here for several months now and feel that I haven't focused very hard on improving my relationships department (because I'm cold and don't care about it--should I care more?) so I have no right to post here. Anyway.