Cyran0 Thanks for the supportive words. I just get so angry when I realize I haven't really changed at all. I still as closed and non-communicative as I was before. Well, except for the fact that I now feel guilt and remorse when I get defensive with people. Not sure that's a change for the better.
When I think about the conversation the only somewhat good thing is that I did not dismiss or act like our experiences were no big deal. I've kind of blown off some of her comments before like it was something in the past that I don't ever dwell on or that never really affected me a great deal. I'm sure this made her feel like crap, like she was the only one that had experienced problems from it. I really regret those actions now, and feel like %#@&#! all over again! I was really a jerk to her over the years. I am very skilled at hiding my inter conflict and acting happy and stable on the outside. Even my T said I am difficult to read.

At the very least in our recent conversation I admitted my awareness that what we experienced was wrong and indicated that I have difficulty dealing with it. I also implied that neither of us were in control of the situation. Maybe in some small way she at least got some validation from me that it really happened. Maybe just that alone will help her healing in some way.

I may attempt to call again today. I'm just afraid that I am trying to reconnect with her for selfish reasons, and that is not right! Maybe deep down inside I am a shallow person who does really care about her--who just wants to relieve my own guilt. Sometime I fear that I am the monster I think I am. I want to help her, not hurt her. Maybe I should just let it drop and send her something that can make her life easier. Certainly dealing with me is not lowering her stress level at all.

Sorry my mind is caught on the hamster wheel again.