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Originally Posted by velcro003
A couple of thoughts (and if my replies to your posts bother you, let me know and i'll stop)...
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Your comments are fine--they make me think! It's not like you're attacking me (or T or MC). If I feel like you are, then I'll say something.
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I am not sure if it is co-dependency on MC part, but something seems not quite right with all of the out of session contact he provides solely for you--and most of the time it isn't about your marriage. Has any of this changed since his wife died, or do you think he's always provided this amount of extra time?
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He seems to generally provide the outside contact connected to the transference stuff, though it's also been, say, if I've been upset by something he said or how he was acting during session. I intentionally try to keep marriage-related stuff out of outside contact and inside session. I think he's trying to help me with the transference as best he can while sort of being within the bounds of marriage counseling (as in, he won't allow any individual sessions beyond the two I had initially to deal with the transference...yet we've had phone calls bordering on session length).
Since his wife died, I do feel like his e-mail responses have been a bit longer (used to be a sentence or two, now more like a paragraph or two at times) or more frequent (he often didn't respond before) or at odder times--like a couple have been at midnight or 1 a.m. But I also figured that either he was having trouble sleeping as a result of the loss, so did work stuff, or else just doesn't have as strict of a schedule now. I don't feel like there has been any sort of inappropriate content on his part, if that's what you're wondering about.
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Also, in terms of your T's boundaries around emails; it seems she has pretty strict boundaries, and she probably was concerned your emails would always be lengthy and your expectation of her responses may increase, and even if she doesn't have many clients emailing her...it would still give more time to you? I don't know, but I just think she is strict about these sort of things. She has always seem to have been there for you through any sort of crisis, though.
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The thing is, in some ways she does have strict boundaries, like around session time and stuff like that (though I've managed to get her to go a few minutes over--MC, meanwhile, will often go 10-15 minutes over). She has been there for me in a few crisis situations, which I've appreciated. It's just confusing when she chooses to respond to e-mails sometimes--like she'll respond to one that's lighter, but then not respond to one where I'm upset about something (even just to say "let's address this in session," for example).
I still think part of my issue with her regarding that is how she didn't come out and tell me that the e-mail length/frequency was bothering her--it was only after I got upset with her for not responding to a particular one where I was really struggling. Since then, I've gradually gone back to e-mailing her at times, and she does tend to respond now--but I don't know what the limits are, and I find that to be difficult. I tend to put "short e-mail" or something like that in the title. But I keep worrying I'll overdo it, and that she wouldn't say anything until she was really frustrated (yeah, there's some negative maternal transference at play here...) I mean, her whole comment about equal time made me feel like I couldn't reach out to her about the stuff with MC I was upset about tonight--like I should save that text/e-mail opportunity for the next week or so when he's away.