That was intense. I began by admitting to R that I have been a bit of a mess. She simply said ‘I’m sorry to hear that’, and I then explained about Moana and Spirit. When it came to talking about what happened, I could hardly say the word, and she said:

‘Did you cry?’
I told her that I had, and then about the experience outside the Co-Op. She told me that she was pleased when I said that I had cried, and released some of that emotion. I asked her where we left off, and she thought we were approaching January 2011, which would explain the flashbacks.
I began to talk about January 2011, starting with Kim’s New Year message, and we had a conversation about nuance and my sense that Kim was not planning on seeing it out. I then began to talk about not hearing from her for a while.
After that, I told R about Lynn’s email, or tried to. I thought I could handle it, so I began quoting the message.
‘I didn’t want to have to tell you this, but...’ ‘I didn’t want to have to tell you this, but.’
I felt weird about it, but I then asked R ‘Can I grab your hand?’
‘Of course.’ I put my left hand in hers, and continued talking. ‘I didn’t want to have to tell you this, but Kim passed away last weekend.’ R covered my hand with her free hand, and squeezed. ‘I’m here.’

I went off on something of a rant about how the first sentence would have been enough. R has always said that the issue is with the fact that I can’t ‘unknow’ the information that was shared with me, so I relive it every night. I berated myself for being unable to access emotions, but R told me that she could feel today that I wasn’t trying to hold it together.