One more day until I make it 2 months.

Last night I was talking to a couple of others after a DBSA meeting (not a substance use meeting, but a bunch of us are in recovery) and I realized something about my history that I never really connected the dots on before. I don't give in to impulses and urges; all my prior "relapses" were decisions that I could handle it again and didn't like the stigma of being in recovery. This came up when we were talking about different meetings and I mentioned that I try to get to one each week but it isn't that big of a deal if I miss it sometimes. The decision was made and I am sticking to it.
When I have decided to start back, it has never been a spur of the moment decision followed by immediate drinking. It is usually an upcoming business or social event where it will potentially be awkward not to drink that leads me to decide it will be okay to nurse a beer or glass of wine so as not to stand out by declining when it is with people who know I accepted it in the past. The pattern is that I do that, pass the initial test with flying colors and slowly accelerate back into problem territory.
This is a double edged sword. It means I usually have time to correct my thinking but it also means I have always been blinded by the illusion of control.