Strange day today. I don't feel happy, sad, stressed, anxious, worried, excited, euphoric, somber, angry...I don't feel anything except this sort of dull ache and a complete lack of energy or initiative.

I don't think I got enough sleep last night. Maybe that's it. I'm at work and have forced myself to do a few minor tasks but for the most part I've been staring blankly at my computer, the walls, my shoe. I snuck away at one point and took a nap in one of the photo studios. It's a great place to hide. But it didn't help.

I've also been thinking a lot about sex. Not really in an aroused way, more just mourning the close warmth and affection. I reflect on what I wish my marriage was like and then let it go. There's no point in wishing for that kind of sexual relationship. It's so improbable, I don't even hope for it anymore. And to pursue it irritates my wife and I don't want that. It's easier if I don't want anything. This train of thought ends with the simple acknowledgement that we are all alone.

I don't want to move. My muscles feel weak and useless. Nothing interests me. I don't want to do anything. I don't insist on being happy and I don't care that I'm not sad.

I don't want anything.

I have therapy today and don't really want to go. I don't have the energy to talk about my problems and certainly not to do any work. It actually costs more if I cancel this close to the appointment so I'll go. I don't want to waste even more money. But I don't see the point either. There's nothing he can do and I don't want to pretend that there is.

I don't know how to end this post. I don't have anything to say. I don't know. Maybe I just don't want to be, which isn't the same as dying. It's being perfectly neutral. Void of resistance. There's no conflict, no motivation, and no need.

Life seems to be an all or nothing game. And I don't want anything.

Cyran0