Blue I don't have answers but wanted to leave you a hug.

It sounds to me like you have a lot of anxiety and that is being projected into your crushes(crushes in themselves are normal). I can relate to obsessively Googling to find answers but as you found out there is a lot of c**p out there on the internet, no you are not those bad things you read about. You are struggling with anxieties and other past traumas besides, the answers will not be on Google.

If guided meditation vids work for you then that's great you've found something that helps. If I have any advice for you it's to try to develop hobbies and socialise outside of the home, to branch out a little. Doing these things can provide a distraction and hopefully keep your anxious mind busy - this is what I found.

Lastly no your thoughts and feelings do not have the power to impact on those we've never met. In fact our circle of influence is actually pretty small even among people we do interact with, this includes your mother - you most definitely are not responsible for her either.

Take good care.