I think that I pushed it because knew how much it would hurt my child. Also, I would have understood a phone call to at least let us know. Again, a "thank you for the offer but ....." seemed more appropriate but I can't control others actions. In hindsight I realize it was her husband sending the responses not my friend. I do regret my response back.
I'm a bit surprised that none of you would let your child fly at the age of 11. You pay extra for being tended to and it is non-stop. I personally wouldn't hesitate if the offer was reversed.
Thanks for the replies. We did tell our girl and she took it better than we thought. Maybe I worry too much because it will get better for her at some point but this was such a special friendship and we are still deeply wounded by everything.
Take care