So, for the last 2 and a half years I have been in a complicated relationship. I fell in love with a coworker. The dilemma has been she was, has been and is engaged to someone else. I've been the other man in her life. Throughout these years, she has led me to believe that she was going to leave him, "soon, I just don't know how to do it" has always been her response. He is dependent on her in almost all ways and neglects and mistreats her. He is someone that will not pay bills, makes her pay them. Doesn't know how to nor will learn to drive and makes her take him anywhere he wants to go. I could go on and on about the flaws in the relationship she has with him. Though I don't get to see her as much as I would like, I am totally head over heels in love with her. I like to treat her well and take her on dates. I like to just relax and talk and laugh with her. I feel that she understands everything like no one else ever could. Recently, out of nowhere she claimed we were done. That she doesn't love me anymore. It was out of character for her, only days before we talked about the amazing life we could have together, that she almost packed her stuff and moved in with me. I was totally lost. I felt like I lost part of myself, I hated part of myself for pushing her away. Fast forward a few weeks, we were texting. She told me that she had to be open with me. She told me that they finally set a wedding date, that is why we couldn't be together any longer. I asked if that was what she wanted, she told me that it was the choice she made. Upon asking more questions, she eventually told me that she still does love me, that if it weren't for him, she would Mary me. To just that she feels guilty for cheating on him, she doesn't think he can survive alone, that she doesn't really want to be with him, but feels like she has to. Never have I felt so devastated. The one girl that I love with all my heart is marrying someone that she feels like she has to. It kills me inside knowing how awful he treats her and neglects her. I don't know how to cope with this pain, these feelings of inadequacy. For some reason, i feel like it's my fault. Everyday that the wedding grows closer, I feel the anxious feeling. I want to cry, want to scream. I want to beg her to call it off and leave him for me. Above all else, I'm scared, terrified. If she goes through with the wedding I don't know what to do or how to cope with that. I will truly feel that my life has lost all hope and purpose.

I know that I should probably just try to leg go and let her live her life and live my own and find someone else. The thought of trying to find someone else breaks my heart though. I don't want anyone else. Nor would anyone else want me or accept me. I am someone that has always felt like an outcast. I don't feel like I understand social cues and hate the games that I feel like people play when interacting. I've always been morbidly obese and have always had low self worth and esteem. I never knew that I could feel so numb, so hollow and hopeless.