Hi everyone.

I have been lurking for a long time on this forum, and I have finally taken the plunge to relive some trauma in words, in order for me to find some sound advice and support.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, clinical depression, pure-O OCD, mild dissociative disorder, and general anxiety. I grew up in a cult, and I have a long history of sexual abuse, dating back in a few instances to when I was 6-8 years old. Back then I did not recognize them as sexual abuse, all I knew is that I was touched inappropriately by somebody close to me (a family member).

Fast forward to when I have just barely turned 15. I was lured into the car of someone I trusted and was infatuated with under the false pretense of meeting with a group of friends. Turned out to only be him in the car, and I was driven to an area far from my house that I was unfamiliar with, where I was physically threatened and orally raped before being dropped on the side of the road a few blocks away from where my parents were sleeping, and where I would have to make it back in before they woke up to realize I was gone.

I was then involved in a 4-year hell of a relationship with a man who raped me on numerous occasions over the span of our relationship (including attempts to do so while I was sleeping). I had been anally raped while intoxicated, and also assaulted a year later where I actually suffered from physical trauma that resulted in pain and bleeding for a few days. I was afraid of him and afraid of turning him down, and would subject myself to his advances whenever he felt like it. He made me take part in his degrading and disgusting sexual fetishes involving me being used as a sexual object with other men. Although I never physically did, I was forced into roleplay despite my repeated - at times tearful - attempts to tell him how much it emotionally hurt me to take part. He was addicted to pornography and masturbation, and would wake me up in the middle of the night constantly trying to get me to watch him masturbate, which resulted in anger and frustration when I wouldn't, or when I claimed I just needed to sleep. He degraded me constantly and was financially abusive. I eventually found the courage to leave him.

I spent a few months also in the company of someone who was in every which way possible, a psychopathic narcissist who abused me endlessly with gas-lighting, emotional manipulative behavior, shaming, and belittling - among other things. This put me in an even worse state than ever before. I eventually found the courage to leave him as well.

As of this year, I am in the most healthy and loving relationship I have ever experienced, with a man who loves me and treats me well. He does know a bit of my past and knows what I suffer with, as well as some vague ideas of past abuse. But he has no idea the extent, and I have spared him all details. My problem is that in wanting to spend a life with him, I don't want to hide anything from him. But it is very traumatizing for me to have to relive these memories, and I am terrified of him seeing me differently for me opening up. In the past I have tried to open up to others about my abuse and it never went over very well. On one hand, I know that he will continue to love and support me, and do whatever he can to help me feel better. But on the other hand, I am still terrified to be honest with him about what happened to me.

I am doing a pretty good job at managing things, but I do struggle a lot keeping all these experiences to myself.

TL;DR: I have suffered for most of my life as a result of sexual trauma as well as being raised in a religious cult. I have a hard time opening up with details to my current partner about my past assault issues, and the effect it has on my current mental state.

Does anyone have any advice for how to go about opening up fully?