Same here , my story is somehow long ,
I'm 33 years old , I started taking med about 14 yrs ago , they doesn't help that much. I used to have extreme mood swings , then I stopped the med for marriage I was afraid that med affect if I got pregnant !
After my divorce , i pretended to be strong and patient and I don't need any help or support esp i had a bad experience with stopping antidepressants " withdrawal symptoms"
After a while I went to psychiatrist again , started ned and started psychotherapy with a therapist ,
I improved somehow but still having mood swings again I stopped medications ,
And I hate my therapist he seemed to be greedy , months later I started life coaching , my coach advised me to return to medications again ,
I went to a new psychiatrist , he changed medications and doses almost every month ,
Now I am taking 4 types of medications , maximum dose of each , and still don't help !
I have suicidal thoughts but never attempted , I don't want to live any more , i see myself as a useless , ugly , foolish and weak person