Thank you so much for your detailed response and attention. I very much appreciate everything you have written. It has helped solidify a lot of what I have been thinking- my brain is just a bit mushy after a second failed med trial and ECT yesterday AND this news from my doctor.
You are so right and I will be as clear as I can that I really want to remain under his care. And you mentioned my age and my mother and her involvement- I am 31 (32 in about 3 months). I live with her for free be years now since I graduated college in 2012 as I couldn't afford living alone anymore with the student loan payback. I worked for about eleven months right after college full time and then was on leave and FMLA leave for a total of four months. I made it a few weeks back at work and then crumbled quickly to my pre-leave state. That is when my pdoc suggested I apply for disability. He left in 2015 and I began working with this current doctor since then. I as granted my disability after three years of fighting but still cannot afford my own place so I remain with my mom. She takes me to my ECTS and my doctor usually speaks with her just a minute or two but she is not involved really.
I try to be assertive and avoid misunderstandings- I can not stand being misunderstood-but I get surprised often with my doctors responses or emphases and I in the moment freeze up and only after think "that's what I should have said/he should know". I see him on Monday in his office so fingers crossed it goes well.
Thank you again for your support