I hated her. And very surprising, I wanted to hurt her somehow -- retaliation, revenge, etc. Feelings, impulses that were VERY foreign to me, very dissociated because of course they were very "bad" (implying I'm bad, too, etc., etc.) But as hard as that was it was intellectually somewhat hopeful since according to what I knew about trauma and dissociation it was "progress" that I could feel that way. But the impulse to hurt was in full swing, too -- and, I now believe, it was reasonable even though it came from a visceral, instinctive place. I wonder if many people's anxiety in therapy might come from "repressing" or keeping dissociated that same kind of reaction?

But my therapist really COULD NOT stand being hated and was afraid of my impulse and wish to hurt her, even though I told her about it just AS A FACT. (I learned as a child to deal with being hated sometimes by my mother and how to turn off fear when threatened by her, so I really couldn't understand at the time why the "superior" therapist would have a problem with those simple "skills".)

Eventually I connected the hatred and the desolation I felt at being rejected and abandoned by her to the way I felt at 5 or so being unseen, rejected, snubbed, etc., by some female relatives -- it felt like the whole world. And that it was hopeless for me to be wanted and appreciated in the whole world. And for me to have felt like that would have been rejected and disapproved, etc., too. . . So that feeling from long ago had been cut off.

When the connection was finally made, I went through 2 days of unbelievable, in the bed depression. I was pretty bad off for most of a month. I posted here on PC about it and since I was not outright rejected or ignored, I felt like the possibility that I was rejected by the whole world might not be true. It's what people write about how the horribly awful has to be fully experienced but of course it is so unbearably awful that's why it was cut off or otherwise defended against.

I also DID confront my last T about some stuff and we've had some continuing email and snail mail contacts about that. So it may get "resolved" enough to the point that we can talk. Or may not. I'm glad I allowed my "retaliatory" impulse some space and some input to my decision process. It's not all bad, it has it's reasons for being and it's place now in the larger "me". In some ways it is essential for real self-assertiveness, at least it has been for me. Or maybe it's just that when you cut part of yourself off, then the "self" that tries to assert doesn't have all of itself around to do the job.

Finding and reconnecting with those lost parts is part of the job of therapy. At least that's what they say and what I believed, even though I couldn't really know because the parts were still lost. But when the therapist couldn't stand those parts either, just as my family couldn't, fortunately I knew enough from all my years to try to help myself rather than trust another therapist. And so far, one year later, it seems to have worked out OK. Very, very, extremely, extremely scary and hard. But I'm retired and what else do I have to do? ;-0

I did go to some other therapists just to see if there were something I thought I might get out of working with them, to speed up getting better. But nothing really seemed like it would help so I didn't buy in again.

I hope this isn't too long. I don't mind talking about it. If it can help you get through things faster, I'm definitely glad to try.