It seems like the older that I become, the more I seem to long for the days when I was younger. Despite being in a better position now than I've ever been, I wish that I could go back in time and relive my teen and young adult years.

I'm still wounded from the fact that my mother didn't let me have a normal childhood. She used the mental health system to control me by having a bunch of medicine shoved down my throat that I didn't need by lying to the doctors about my "issues". She would have me locked up to "punish" me for defying her. She wouldn't allow me to make friends or live a normal childhood because she would always claim that I'm a threat to other children when I wasn't. She wouldn't teach me skills that I needed to survive as an adult.

Because I never had a chance to live anything even remotely resembling a normal life, I crave some aspects of a normal life that I never had. I wish that I had the love from a mother and father, a group of friends that cared about me, and people to enjoy my youth with. I wish that I had a chance to do some "normal" people things like go to a prom, go on adventures, chase women, and have fun. Instead, the only happiness that I had was my tech and some books because my mother wouldn't give me a chance to sprout my wings and learn about life without her trying to control me. I never had a chance to learn and grow as a person. I couldn't learn how to be an adult or a human because of her.

Due to what I went through, I feel like I lost out a lot on life. I'm down several years that I will never get back. I didn't have any friends during my teens and I lost all of the friends that I made when I went to trade school after I turned 18. I started college this summer for the first time and I'm 26, yet, seeing all of these 19-20 year olds with happy friendships and relationships and what not makes me envious. I struggle to build relationships with people due to a combination of difficulties communicating my feelings and the fact that I am so insecure and envious when dealing with people who have things that I want or people that care about them; especially if that person is a girl.

I want people to pay attention to me. I am sick of being an outcast. I don't know why I have such a longing for the past and relationships with people when I normally am content with being alone. There are just times where I would give anything for a chance to go back in time 5-10 years and redo a lot of things and forge and rebuild relationships with people so that I don't have to be so lonely when I get in one of these depressed moods.

I don't know why I feel the way that I do and I am having trouble explaining myself but sometimes, all of these things bother me a great deal.