Feel like absolute garbage and have all day. Spent most of the day on the couch. It's been exceedingly difficult to get my son his meals today. But I don't want to be like my mom and just ignore him. I want to tell him sometimes mommy is sick...but I don't want him to worry. I'll have to explain when he's older but not now.

Negative thoughts abound. Won't list them bc it's unproductive. Self harm thoughts are high. SI is high, more of a wish than anything. I want to live long enough for my son to establish his own life, then I'll be content to shuffle off this mortal coil. So like 25 more years. Aye.

Was supposed to visit my grandparents but couldn't face it. Will go tomorrow if I am feeling better.

I miss true stability. It was so nice. I hope I get back there.