Hello & Welcome, Mysocalledlifehere.

Wow. You've been through much, too much. I cannot address what you are feeling at present, but I have read others' posts that roughly approximate what you are describing.

I understand you have been in formal care. My impression is your depression and/or bipolar is inextricably bound up with the abuse you have experienced.

While waiting for expert help, do you have any self-care techniques that have worked for you in the past?

Please make yourself at home here. (I notice you have found the Survivors of Abuse Forum.)