Ugh. Life isn't fair.

I really hate to be reminded of how low energy I am. I can tell myself I do my best but I feel life slipping away from me. People can try to comfort me, saying you even have a physical illness, don't be hard on yourself, no one would do better with that.

Which is not true. My dad got sick once with a very serious illness. It had made him tired for years but he had just struggled through, you couldn't see on him that he made an effort. After the illness was diagnosed he was put on medication for a long while that is really harsh treatment for the body, but for the mind as well, it often causes depression. Did he ever complain? No. Did he stop working? No. He got up every morning no sick days at all, did his job and did it well. He rested like an hour extra a day but mostly he just managed the whole ordeal being stubborn.

I feel so... discouraged from that. I should also be able just to grin and bear it. But I can't.

What a normal person does in one day, takes me two weeks. And my energy is just getting less and less.

I also envy people who have nice doctors who actually understand and help. I mostly managed to get abusive ones. It took me 15 different meds and several years to help depression. Some of those meds nearly killed me (for real). Also I was clinically hypothyroid for 10 years but had no treatment for that time because I wasn't believed.

I have no idea how to just accept being "lazy", and accept fate decided some people get to be more lucky. They roll the med dice once. And then they are fixed.

Then to add to this I start to think about all people who have it worse than me. And that gives me guilt. So I end up feeling lazy, unlucky or badly treated, and guilty.

Sometimes I just want to stab this brain with a fork.