I am so overwhelmed right now, my mood completely plummeted today. I've been so waiting for summer vacation to end, but once I sent my girls onto 3rd and 4th grade I bawled.

My husband and I recently started a home-based travel agency over the summer. He is the primary owner in our partnership, because he will be doing most of the work, since we both know I need to watch my stress levels with my illness.

But I have spent the summer doing most of the planning and organizing for the business, overworking myself, not sleeping, trying to take advantage of my mania, because this business HAS to work. Our only income is from the disability I receive as a former state government employee, and it is not enough to get by. I was so stressed about money today, after rent was paid, and trying to figure out how to pay some bills and my older daughter's gymnastics registration and early competition fees.

I feel like a failure, that's why I am throwing myself into this business. Problem is I was able to get work done over the summer, while my husband was too distracted by the girls to get much done. So he was all go, go, go with the business today, the first day we've had the house to ourselves since we started the business. And all I wanted to do was lay on the couch and cry. Which I did for a little while, but forced myself up to do work and planning with him. I was ok until we ate lunch, and suddenly I didn't want to do anything. While I have no doubt my husband will be handling most of the bookings when this gets off the ground, so much now is about plannng our business, marketing our business, creating a professional online presence. And it is exhausting. And I'm the one who has been doing most of that because of how OCD I am about research and details.

But today, I just couldn't take it. I just could not take it. And I wanted to run away. Not harm myself, but abandon my family and hopefully just disappear into nothingness.

The thing is, I rarely worry about suicide. I get thoughts, but have never had a plan. However last year I had a very elaborate plan for how to leave my family. Had everything mapped out on how to keep paying bills, leave enough money for them, take out enough money for myself, and stay on the move. Had I not fallen asleep for three hours, instead of using that three hours to pack and get a head start, I would have left. All of the horrible things I did last year, I hated myself, but I couldn't stop, and my family deserved better than to have me still in their lives. So I could just go away.

I've been thinking about leaving a few times over the summer, when the stress was too much. But I have no money now. I had contacted a past friend, but realized my plan to leave probably wouldn't work out. I had a falling out with another friend about a month ago, and erased all of his contact info from my phone, but I found out a way to get it back. I'm trying to control the impulse to get this info back, because I'm pretty sure I could stay there. I just think I would be found too quickly.

I HATE this, I don't want to think like this! . But when I get as emotional and overwhelmed as I am now, all of these thoughts and plans come into my mind, and it's so hard to keep from just disappearing. I just want to lay on the couch and cry the rest of the day, but I've got to pick up my daughter from gymnastics, got to pick up some prescriptions, may have to heat up dinner depending on when my husband gets up from his nap. He is supportive, he is VERY supportive, he could have left me. But this was his "we finally get to work uninterrupted day" when it had turned into my "I am too emotional and mentally frazzled to work today day." Took 2 Klonopin, listened to classical music for 55 minutes, and I am still so frazzled.

I don't know. Sorry I'm rambling so much, I do that a lot. I just have no one to talk to about this. I want to just leave, I am too overwhelmed right now, but I feel so terrible thinking that. I know I've got to find a way to stop thinking about this, I just don't know how. Thanks for listening.