So..I really don't know how I feel about my session tonight. C leaves me in silence a lot, which I don't like. I didn't really feel any sort of connection tonight either. I did cry. silently, behind my hand, but I definitely cried. He didn't acknowledge it, which I appreciated - I prefer everyone act like it's not happening.

We talked about what I would want from S if I contacted him right now. I said "to know that he's here. That he's still here for me." And, this is the one point where C really spoke, and I knew he at least understood - even if we weren't connecting. He said "You want to know that he's still there, that he still cares about you, that he still thinks about you, that he isn't gone and isn't going anywhere, that you'll see him again." I just nodded, because, yes. All of that.

We wound up talking about what I would want with S now -- talking about how I want a friendship -- how I just want it to not be so emotionally charged, but how I know that he can never "unknow" everything about me, which means we will always be on different level playing fields really. Talked about how I didn't get termination sessions and why - and I finally admitted that I was upset that his other clients got them and that I feel that I didn't because I was "bad" and they were "good." I told him about kicking the wall, banging my head, throwing an empty milk carton... he still doesn't think it warrants not getting termination sessions, but it doesn't matter. This is a really big deal for me: I didn't get closure, I didn't get termination sessions, and S blamed me for it - I feel I was bad. And, meanwhile, his other clients got their closure. (I'm sure that's not wholly true - that others were hurt too, but this is what's in my head.)

Honestly, this session just... I guess the one thing I wanted to hear that I didn't was that he was sorry I was in pain, that he cared and was there. But, he did not say anything comforting or connecting whatsoever - even when I asked him what he was thinking. He was stonefaced the whole time.

So, tonight, I come away not sure I should be seeing him. Scared to terminate with J, because J had empathy. Considering texting him, or emailing? And telling him that I felt he was stonefaced and, while I don't expect overt comfort, C has told me that he wants to be a person of comfort to me... and I didn't get that at all from tonight. I felt very alone with my pain.

I'm seeing him Friday, because I just can't wait until next Friday. I'm having too hard of a week.