lil,

You sound like an intelligent, insightful, responsible young woman! Mother-daughter relationships are very hard. My mother and I are both bipolar and I think that has contributed to our problems in our relationship. Growing up I was never close to my mother, my dad's sister was my maternal figure and I thank God for her every day! She kept me grounded and let me know I was loved. My mother and I are close now, we lost my father three years ago unexpectedly and circumstances threw us together. My brother, her self proclaimed favorite is on the West Coast and is not very good about calling her.

Because of all of this history I have made a conscience effort to create a good relationship with my own daughter now 18. Here's the problem, we're both human and have completely different perspectives on everything.

For example when my daughter was about 14, her father, three brothers and I were going somewhere. She did not want to come, she'd made plans with her friend. When I was growing up, those things did not matter and created problems with my friends. I came up with this "great" idea, I left her money to treat her friend to dinner at a little cafe next to our house. This allowed her to go to whatever function she would have had to miss to go with us and to have some fun as well. I thought to myself "I would have loved to do this when I was her age." She views this situation as us abandoning her.

She is a beautiful, bright, mature and responsible young woman. She has been for as long as I can remember, so when she does something childish I forgot sometimes that she WAS a child.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even with the best of intensions we can all offend someone we love. I've always been open with my kids. I tell them that I've spent my life trying to avoid them mistakes my parents made but I've made my own in the process. I love them more than anything else but I am human.

This open dialog between us is a wonderful thing, but it does have its down side too. She sometimes says things, without meaning to I'm sure, that are hurtful and disrespectful; at which point I snap into "mom-mode" and say "I love you, your opinion is important to me, but I will not be spoken to in that manner."

Sorry to be so wordy, but what it all boils down to is this: you can love and support your loved ones, but the only person that you can "fix" is yourself. No matter how much you love your mom, her issues are HERS, she has to deal with them.

Several comments that you've made give me the impression that you are attempting to step into the parent mode, I'm sure that she finds this insulting although I'm sure that you have the very best of intensions. Getting your T's advice is an excellent idea!

One more thing I'd like to mention is that when I am scared as a parent, this comes off as anger. Her response at IHOP sounds very much like fear and frustration. Until you have a child you'll never understand how very much you can love another person, with that love comes such a feeling of helplessness; the fact that we can't "fix" everything does not compute.

Good luck!