Session went well.

I said I wanted to talk about my familial (parental, sibling) and erotic transferences towards her.

But first she wanted to talk about my homework of trying to listen to my partner make valid criticisms of my parents.

Then we talked about she'd like me to be assertive towards my father, even if it escalates things, rather than taking his criticism and blaming myself. She said several times that my father is "toxic".

Then we circled back to how I need to acknowledge, without minimising that the parents have hurt me, let me down.

It was difficult starting to talk about transference. I'd written down increasingly vulnerable thoughts I had been having for a long time outside session into my notebook. Now was the time to read them aloud, but the vulnerability made me afraid.

I eventually did start and shed some tears as I read the increasingly vulnerable phrases. Especially when I said I know she cares about me but she doesn't love me (in parental or romantic ways). Wishing I made an impact on her, that she won't forget me, that I will have a place in her heart. Me being just a client out of 40+ and not loved by her like how she loves the people in her real life.

We talked about what do I truly desire which is being brought up by therapy? Hoe it's not truly her even though it feels like it, but a reflection of what I long for in my life. Desires to be loved and to matter by parent(s), older sister. Therapist feeling safer than my partner because I sometimes am in a child headspace needing safe parental comfort while partner wants sex. How even if my parents miraculously changed, I'd still have the many years of them not caring for me, not loving me, which would colour things.

She said these things are very sad and it must hurt for me. I wanted to know if she could understand the pain, if she'd been through the same pain, so I asked her "have you ever felt your parents didn't love you?" She wanted to know why I felt she had to have experienced the same pain in order to understand. I said I didn't want just an intellectual understanding, but an emotional one as well. She said she does not have the same pain, but she has had felt different pains, some of which are quite big, as big as the pain I felt maybe. I pointed out that I had never said she didn't have pains of her own, and never said those pains didn't mean anything. Asked her again if she ever felt her parents didn't love her. She said she always knew they loved her, even when there were issues, disagreements etc. She said that she understood my pain because we've spent many hours talking about the pain of my parents not loving me, she has seen the pain I carry as I express the hurt. That she feels some (like a quarter, she said?) of what I feel. That she's not a robot (I've stated that sometimes I feel she's a robot because of how unaffected she comes across...) She said she has felt angry and frustrated with my parents about their poor treatment of me. That I didn't deserve the pain. I felt better and said I'm glad she can "at least imagine the pain".

I cried more about how she cares about me as a client but doesn't love me like a parent. That I'm an adult now, top old to be adopted by anyone, no one would want to love me as a parent. I am too old, too damaged, too broken. Unworthy. Even my partner's unofficial step father doesn't want to adopt him as an adult.

I said I know she dislikes it whenever I bring up "You only care because it's your job." but I grew up with a series of hired caretakers who made it clear caring for me was just a job, that they didn't love me. They loved their own children, and other people in their real life.

Like my therapist loving the people in her real life but caring for clients because it's her job to care. Caring for me because I'm a client, not because I'm truly worthy of care. Caring about me but not loving me because I'm just part of her job and unlovable. She brought up that she does take on a caring and guiding "parental role" in our therapy (as "limited reparenting" is the heart of schema therapy). I brought up the similarities to how I grew up: She cares because of her job, not because I'm worthy of care. She cares but doesn't love me like a parent. She said she can't do her work without caring for each client as persons.

Growing up knowing I am difficult to care for, difficult to be around, difficult to raise, difficult...because I've been told that many times from parents, sister, adults in my life. She said "everyone is difficult, because everyone is different". I said I want to know if she will still care when I am being difficult, that I fear I scare her. That I've heard stories of therapists being unable to handle client transference well. She said "it'd take a lot more for you to scare me away".

She kept emphasising that transference feelings are a reflection of my unmet needs in life - familial love because my family of origin isn't caring or loving, romantic love because of issues with my partner. That she's just a stand-in on what I seek to have from real people in my life.

I said intellectually I know that, hence me bringing it up last session and starting the discussion today using the word "transference". We talked about working through transference, linking it back to what I need and desire in my real life relationships. She said I am insightful and thanked me for my courage in bringing up and discussing transference.

She said transference isn't common. I said according to what I've researched, it actually is, especially when people have abuse histories. She disagreed and said "just because one has been abused, doesn't necessarily mean one will inevitably experience transference". Agree to disagree I guess?

She circled back to how I'm going to stay stuck if I don't acknowledge and accept without minimising things, that my parents have hurt me and let me down. That I have to be willing to express anger towards them in sessions. That she's safer for me to get angry with, but I need to take a step back and realize my anger is really towards my parents and not her. I told her I know that, yet I get angry with her because I'm angry she cares more than my family. I told her sometimes I am indeed angry at her because "Why do you care?"

We talked about my trust in her, that she is safe, that the therapy relationship will continue even if I say angry things and hurtful things. I told her I didn't take that for granted and I do fear she'd discharge me.

We talked about doing self care because one deserves it, rather than the mindset I have of "I must self care / self love because no one else wants to care for me or love me". That I'm not a robot like I see myself. She pointed out that I have progressed to being able to feel sad and frustrated about not having care in my life, when initially I simply accepted lack of care as a fact in my life.

She said that if symptom relief was our only goal, she could have discharged me long ago. (I regularly tell her that she should just discharge me as my symptoms are well controlled and I am high functioning so who cares about my inner pain) I agreed and said knowing that she wanted to do deeper work on the underlying issues, enduring personality change rather than mere symptom relief is one of the main reasons I continue to work with her.

We were at 1 hour 40 minutes, 40 minutes overtime. She said she'd charge the longer "psychological therapy (complex)" session code (almost double the cost) rather than the usual "standard" (1 hour) psychotherapy code. I hugged her. She said she was glad I got today off work.

I asked her if we could talk further about transference if warranted, I might want to continue talking about it next session, could transference be an open topic for discussion? She said of course it can, especially as its hindering therapy (last session, i had said we needed to discuss transference due to that). I told her I don't think transference is the problem, but my self disgust and shame over having transference. Because it's me feeling bad over having transference that's hindering therapy, not transference itself. She agreed.

She didn't take away my 12 Sept appointment (in 2 weeks as originally agreed), and she booked me in for another appointment 2 weeks after that, because otherwise I'd have to wait a month again due to her large caseload again. I asked what did I do to deserve the slot in advance, is it because I work hard? (Because for almost a year I saw her just once a month due to her caseload and she adopted a "first come, first serve" approach towards scheduling patients.) She said its because I "just deserve it".

I hugged her again and bid her goodbye.