sidony, your post is really fascinating. It sounds like your feeling like you are an outsider to your T is painful, and it hurts you to think you rejected him and may have caused him pain. I think it's a measure of how much you really care about him that you feel so bad. I hope you will continue to explore this with him. It seems very rich and may be an echo of other relationships--how we can be fearful we will be rejected ourselves if we don't toe the line and tell the person what we think they want to hear.