I get lots of breaks, just not much time that I can be totally away from him. About the most time I have alone is when I go grocery shopping. He is content to watch television much of the day. Often I am in the bedroom resting. It's really kind of a lazy life-style for me. It's just so restrictive.

This is not physically hard, really, but mentally stifling.

I see now that I came to feel a good deal better, while he was away, either in the hospital or in rehab. He came home Wednesday. We were both very happy. I felt well for a few days. Then not well. Since yesterday, I feel just crummy. Not even depressed. I just feel physically crummy.

I feel sorry for him that he is still alive. He is glad to live as long as he can. I've never looked at life that way. (He never gets depressed.) I see life that extends beyond the time of feeling well as an awful burden. I do not want to live on in advanced age myself. I can't imagine that I wouldn't be suicidal, if I were as he is, especially if I didn't have someone like me as caregiver.

My sleeping pattern is absolutely crazy. I wake up in the dead of night, unable to continue sleeping. I take some wine at night to help me fall asleep. It helps, but causes me to wake up nauseated. Between the arthritis, the nausea and the sleeplessness, I feel just crummy. Hydrocodone is the only thing that makes me feel better. Helps with sleep, soreness and even nausea.