I've been pretty stable for the last year, and it's going well for me in general, mood-wise. I've got my energy and motivation back. I can do all the things that need to get done for my work and my family. My challenge is my marriage.

My husband travels for work a lot, and lately I've noticed that I'm happier when he's on the road. I have a great routine with my kids and our home, and it's efficient, predictable, and I feel like it's a system that is well structured for harmony in our house. I always know the next four things that need to get done, and I know that they're my responsibilities because I'm the only parent home. When my husband is home, it all gets unpredictable - he does some things and I do others, and I never really feel like we're on top of things. Partially, this is because his schedule is unpredictable. His work might extend his workday for an extra four hours, notifying him 5 minutes before he should get off shift (it's the nature of the work he does...). So I can't really rely on him while he's home to get anything done, but I resent if he IS home and I'm doing all the work. He often shuts down after dinner and the kids go to bed, taking that time to relax before going to bed himself. But I see all the things that still need to happen to get the house settled before the end of the day - taking care of animals, cleaning up the kitchen, prepping things for tomorrow, etc. I feel overwhelmed because I assume he will help, but he doesn't unless I give him specific tasks. I probably should just accept that, but it infuriates me that he's so disconnected from our home life that he can't see our dogs need water, our water filter is empty, the food from dinner needs to be put away, etc. He'll do any of this I mention, but it's ridiculous that a grown man in his 40's can't see for himself what needs to be done, especially since the same stuff has had to get done EVERY night for the past 15+ years.

So when he's home, I resent the extra work present due to having another person eating, creating laundry, leaving little piles around, etc. (all natural things that people do), but not being able to count on him picking up the workload without being prompted. On top of that, he's been having a stressful time at work with circumstances that are temporary and out of his power to do anything about. All that is roiling around in his mind in a non-stop loop (he perseverates on this kind of stuff incessantly until it's resolved), and it's making him more disconnected with our home life, even though he's physically present. His patience & tolerance for our kids and their normal activity is lower, his demand on my attention so he can perseverate out loud is greater, and he has zero self-awareness about this, so it's become nearly intolerable. It increases my anxiety when he walks through the door, mostly because I'm getting disgusted with how self-focused his thoughts and behaviors are.

He left yesterday for a brief work trip, and I was so relieved. When he gets back, the kids and I will leave for the long weekend for a brief vacation (he'll be home working). I'm happy that I won't have to spend time around him for about a week, and that scares me for our relationship. I want to feel connected to him, and I want to enjoy his company. But right now, I really don't.

Has anyone been here? Please tell me this can just be a phase and it can get better...part of normal ups and downs of marriage?