I opened up the can of worms that is erotic transference. At the start I mentioned previously that before I went home- I would cry that I wanted my mother to comfort me when I was upset- but that I now wanted him to comfort me. That I didn't feel like I could go to my parents for any sort of emotional support and that I only had my younger brother to lean who was struggling as well. That I wanted more than he could give me. That I wanted to still feel connected to him over the weekends. He mentioned did I want something more physical?
I denied it. Then again when we were talking about self harm.
He commented the word dirty had sexual connotations.
I said I felt dirty because I wanted him so badly.
"in a sexual way? "
I denied it because I honestly just wanted him to comfort me like a child.
Before our session ended he said that I didn't need to feel embarrassed or ashamed of saying anything and that we had time to discuss things.
But if I'm being honest- I always found him attractive from the start. He is around 10 years older than me, but I still saw him mainly as a father figure. I started having sexual thoughts about him which started pretty much since he went away. Thinking about him in this way made me feel dirty and I was cutting more because it felt wrong to think of him this way and I felt like I needed to be punished.
I bullet pointed the above and messaged it to him mentioning notes for our next session and that I didn't want an acknowledgement. It was a very hard message to write, even admitting it was difficult- but I'm glad I sent it. I know I'm not in love with him. I could have denied it for another 6-7 sessions but what would be the point? I'd still feel awkward regardless. I just hope it doesn't make him feel uncomfortable- but I doubt that I would be the first girl to feel this way. He's just the first man that I actually feel safe with who hasn't abused me and only shown me kindness.
So just waiting till our next session on thursday.