I was surprised to discover a few weeks back that I'd begun to resign myself to being sick for the rest of my life. I was simplifying my existance to the point of hardly living. I was avoiding all stressors as a way of coping. I was catering to my symptoms as a way to control their manifestations.

I decided that to give in was unacceptable. I'm not going to curl up and hide any more. I'm not going to look for the easy way out of living my life to the fullest. I'm not going to give in to the illness and let it own me. I'm not going to be afraid of it and put my life on hold worrying about how it was going to act out.

I didn't think I'd ever fall into that mindset but I did. I might have been square with God's love for me but I wasn't square with God's gifts to me. I wasn't seeing myself ever getting well. I was looking instead for ways to cope, to get by, to get through each day without too much drama while loosing faith in recovery.

I was so focused on the day to day survival that I'd lost track of any future in practical terms. I was loosing faith in a future beyond existance. Believing I'd be able to keep a roof over my family's heads was as far as I could reach my faith. My prayers and my ceremonies were becoming just words and actions with out much conviction or engagement.

I determined today that I'm done being an observer of my life. I'm done thinking I won't do any more with the rest of my days. I'm done being a passive participant in my recovery. I'm done expecting God to do my work for me.

I'm going to choise to do things differently than I've become accustomed to since my illness took over my life. Particularly those things that contaminate rather than contribute to my recovery. I'm going to challenge my thinking rather than allow it to lead me down familar dysfunctional paths as though I had no other choices.

I'm started there.... doing things differently. Choosing what contributes and denying what contaminates. Challenging patterned thinking to improve functioning.

Wondering if others on the boards have identified some keys to their recovery. What keeps you focused on believing for your recovery. What behaviours or habits contribute to your recovery? What keeps your faith alive?

Look forward to reading what others might have to share.