your post show great strength in yourself , i wish i could do the same , i get phases of feeling as you do, then illness clouds my judgement to a place of merely keeping myself safe ,which is a place of stuckness. i'd agree that a lot does come from our thought patterns ,in my case though they can trick me and i need to constantly check them with trusted friends ,if i'm going to do anything radically different in my life, i do this ,as i've self destructed in the past by doing things i thought were right --they were wrong. recovery is often seen as a step at a time with support off people who care for you, i'm thinking of friends ,family ,mental health professionals and folk who have recovered or are recovering, good luck ,i hope to follow you someday