i've always known that i have some sort of trauma. i don't know what exactly it is. the only moments i can pinpoint for certain that were disturbing at least are watching a family member die at the age of 11 or 12, as well as seeing my dad go through cancer treatment. (i can't remember when this started)

today something occurred that scared me. i'm paranoid about people reading this and finding out it's me, so i won't give details about the situation. but people were being loud and yelling, not to be mean, but to motivate others. i was already anxious about being sick and not performing well, and then before i knew it i had a full blown panic attack and dissociated a bit.

the panic attacks themselves are not new. my first panic attack was when i was about 12 when i was getting screamed at and spanked/shaken around and i've been having them since. i usually get them when people are screaming at me, or when i think i am going to get in trouble. today the screams were not supposed to be mean, but i reacted in that way. i'm so confused. i barely got any sleep last night so that doesn't help, but today just feels strange.

anyway, my point is, i am NOT officially diagnosed with PTSD. but i am starting to wonder because of these things happening. i don't know what to do any more because i feel like i cannot function if i react this way around loud noises and angry people.

i'm bringing this issue here because i don't know what steps to take next. i don't want to bring it up to my parents because i do not want them to be disappointed or upset that they have such a weak child.