I had a huge melt down that lasted days, maybe not over yet.

I'm so open about it to my family. I am not going to hush it up if this is all about me having a personality disorder. I don't care about the reasons or the cause any more. I just need it to stop.

We booked an emergency session with the marriage t. He said that his CBT techniques didn't help us, and he referred us to a new psy who works with sexual issues and PTSD.

We'll give it a try.

Meanwhile, I moved into the other bedroom. I regressed back to sleeping with my baby blanket. There's no need to rush to divorce. I just can't bring myself to do it.

In 2010, I had divorce papers in my hands and when I read his name and my name with 'dissolution of marriage', I just couldn't do it.



So, I first called my one sister and asked her to come down and help me get myself out of here. She told me to go help our mother instead. So much for her. After that call was when I destroyed my arm.

Then I called my other sister. She was nice, talked to me, tried to calm me down. But she's too far away. She won't come help.

Then I called my oldest son. I told him I needed him, how this situation is so bad again. He knows this situation. He's seen it many times. Now that he's an adult, I wanted his help. He blew me off. I'm so crushed. I told him it felt like a knife to my heart. He never even called me back.

I am just The Boy Who Cried Wolf to them.

Now my h is starting to talk about the inevitable, how we will have to divorce to end this problem. He is finally starting to accept it. I guess that is what I need. For him to just be on board with us being over.

I won't be happy after it is over either. I ccouldn't even just be nice and be married to a 'nice guy'. Yeah, he is a nice guy. Too nice for me.

Looking at my wrists, I know for sure I am definitely ill.

So I was never capable of this life anyway? Well, I certainly tried and did the best I could then. I really tried.