(((((((((( chocolatelover ))))))))))

This will probably be very tangential as I still have a hard time finding my words when it comes to this sort of thing. Bear with me, ok?

I can relate to this so much after events in my life, and this last year. I'm sorry you're struggling so.

I guess the biggest thing I could add is that, when doing massive work in therapy years ago it was like I eventually got "in the zone". Oh my goodness, awarenesses here, there and everywhere. Awarenesses that, if I'd had them in the moment, would have helped me so incredibly much. Hindsight is 20/20, but I'm talking about in the moment open-eyed (mind's eye) acknowledgments. After therapy, I worked hard to keep my awarenesses, and try to experience them more in the moment.

Dissociation was the key to my getting through...my way to maintain, my drug to escape.

What I try to do now is to open my mind's eye in the moment to what is actually going on...to not work on strictly moving through the moments on auto-pilot...to include the painful feelings while I go inside of myself for solutions, or possible solutions or maintenance.

This has helped me so incredibly much to be able to see the fuller picture. It's painful, yes, but I hoped to keep it from kicking my butt later (as so much in my younger life has). I NEVER dreamed there would actually be a there joy too.

For instance, with everything going on here in real life (miscarriage, scary pregnancy, fear for daughter's life, raising nephew), I'm "preset" to go on autopilot and function through it all...on an auto-pilot, separate and apart from feeling it. It was/is a self-protective mechanism I have and use/used to prevent huge pain. I just didn't know that it could separate me from true joy, life lessons, awareness, etc. as well. I've learned that.

I have to work very hard to not to separate my emotional and intellectual minds...my mind and spirit, and still do. I catch myself though, in the quiet moments, and try to adsorb more of what's going on...to allow the pain and fear in. What a blessing that has been! When I've done that, it's also allowed the joy in...the cool breeze that breaks through devastating heat...however, the cool breeze comes from a scary storm. It's sometimes hard to feel and appreciate that cool breeze when we're petrified in fear or running around maintaining and protecting ourselves from a raging storm.

I guess I realized that I was not only short-changing myself, but I was those that I love, when I focused on simply making it through the storm. I was working from little to no emotion, hard to reach, detached. They were going through these same storms and I thought I was being there for them...completely. I was wrong.

I guess, like you, my focus is preset to go into day to day, moment to moment survival and functioning. In that, I realized that this was my way of "denial". I still was very functional. "Oh, the rock" people think. Totally ignoring that somewhere a part of me was tucked away, crying, screaming, punching a wall, whatever...a part of me that would surface and I didn't know when or where. Opening that part of me up in the most difficult times was/is way scary.

That said, it's been a huge blessing to do so. It's that part of me that feels the cool breeze in the raging storm, that truly feels the tears that sting the eye just from a baby's first smile or laugh, that can hold my daughter in her fear and upset and cry with her showing her understanding and love as well as support.

In opening this up, I see the blessings in the difficult times. I don't focus totally on the ugly and upsetting...why did daughter have to have this disease, why is this happening again, when will we get a break, why did oldest daughter have to miscarry a loved child, why can't it be easier when I'm just trying to do/be good???

That's there, yes. But now I have a tool for evening that out some and can see and feel the first smiles, the eyes of a child that look to you with love so pure you feel you're in Heaven and are so humbled your knees involuntarily become weak, that even though my oldest miscarried she had an uneventful pregnancy and delivery with a beautiful healthy child, that youngest has been so incredibly sick but somehow managed to birth a healthy child, that there *is* a cure for her when there aren't for so many, too many blessings to type!

In my quiet times then, when I feel that I'm aware of so much more (the joys and the pain/difficult), I try to place what the signs or lessons for me are in my journey. Oh, boy, one huge one that I've learned and I feel was meant for me to learn is to *not sweat the small stuff* by being literally forced to learn what truly matters to me. Some speak of that near-death experience that changed their lives. This last year was mine. It used to rock my world if there were more than two loads of laundry...if I wasn't in complete control in my ways. No more. I used to have periods of literally living in the past...feeling no control over that. This has forced me out of the past and it's been forcefully replaced by the present. This has forced upon me functioning in the here and now, with feeling few choices about that. I found my choices, though, in that which I couldn't control.

I could choose to allow in the pain and, therefore, the joy. I could choose to function, or to "sit down". I could choose stop and "sup" on a sweet baby's smile. I could choose so much and almost anything in any given hour. I had many choices and that's what ultimately helped me...to recognize those choices I did have.

I don't separate out the feeling anymore (if I can control it), and gosh it hurts and I sometimes cry alot and even rage, but more sweet tears come now than painful.

I told my daughter the other day, "If I die tomorrow (which I pray I don't), you remember and share with everyone how complete I feel and how I have already lived a very, very full life in many ways...the rest from here is just icing on the cake."

All the above said, leads to the fact that I have faith that I'm here for several reasons and hope to acknowledge and work those. I have faith that I've gone through everything that I have for reason, that will help me, those I love, or others if I choose to share. I have faith that I will survive in some form until I am no more. I have faith that there is so much more than what I can see...I feel that "hand" guiding my life and it's up to me to to graciously accept the blessings given to me while also working the hard/difficult because I've learned that most I've experienced, I have experienced for a reason. What I do with that faith and knowledge is on me. How I contribute and share is on me. How I make my mark in this world as I'm meant to is on me. I fully believe I'm living my life's calling and the reason for my life...to help others that suffer by sharing what I've survived. My suffering is not meaningless. I've given it all the positive that I can, hoping it will positively affect other survivors.

Thank you for sharing and for this thread,

KD