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Aug 30, 2017, 04:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I had a huge melt down that lasted days, maybe not over yet.

I'm so open about it to my family. I am not going to hush it up if this is all about me having a personality disorder. I don't care about the reasons or the cause any more. I just need it to stop.

We booked an emergency session with the marriage t. He said that his CBT techniques didn't help us, and he referred us to a new psy who works with sexual issues and PTSD.

We'll give it a try.

Meanwhile, I moved into the other bedroom. I regressed back to sleeping with my baby blanket.

There's no need to rush to divorce. I just can't bring myself to do it.

In 2010, I had divorce papers in my hands and when I read his name and my name with 'dissolution of marriage', I just couldn't do it.

Possible trigger:

But, yes, I know my behavior in these 'attacks' is a danger to myself. My h found me on the floor, naked yesterday, barely conscious. I heard him saying he was taking me to the hospital, but he didnt. He just left me on the floor to sleep it off. I took it even further this time. The negative voice in my head is brutal and I tore my wrists to my elbows up, cutting myself for the first time. I am scared because I never thought I'd ever do that. And I think it was a trial run, I was testing to see if I could do it for real.

So, I first called my one sister and asked her to come down and help me get myself out of here. She told me to go help our mother instead. So much for her. After that call was when I destroyed my arm.

Then I called my other sister. She was nice, talked to me, tried to calm me down. But she's too far away. She won't come help.

Then I called my oldest son. I told him I needed him, how this situation is so bad again. He knows this situation. He's seen it many times. Now that he's an adult, I wanted his help. He blew me off. I'm so crushed. I told him it felt like a knife to my heart. He never even called me back.

I am just The Boy Who Cried Wolf to them.

Now my h is starting to talk about the inevitable, how we will have to divorce to end this problem. He is finally starting to accept it. I guess that is what I need. For him to just be on board with us being over.

I won't be happy after it is over either. I ccouldn't even just be nice and be married to a 'nice guy'. Yeah, he is a nice guy. Too nice for me.

Looking at my wrists, I know for sure I am definitely ill.

So I was never capable of this life anyway? Well, I certainly tried and did the best I could then. I really tried.

I just saw this. I am sorry it has been this bad for you. You are capable of many good things. I admire how open you are about your feelings and your situation. "He is a nice guy. Too nice for me."--is generalizing the situation a bit to much.

Perhaps you have been incapable of dissolving your marriage because there is some good as well as bad between both of you. Not that I am saying you should stay as I have. Feelings become so complex when you have been married as long as we have. Sometimes H and I find ourselves not being able to let go of past incidents (when we have hurt each other) and let them effect our present feelings. The best way to clear the air is to have a fight that rehashes the past and talk honestly about it but these fights can be so draining and exhausting for us.

From what you describe, you cannot handle dealing with the feelings between the two of you right now. Perhaps it is to much for you to handle. I don't know.

Possible trigger:

When I attempted, my H finally understood I was not just crying wolf (but don't do this--I still have pain from the exit wound and have permanently lost significant upper body strength--I cannot ever reverse this.)

He backed off for months and months and it was like a new beginning for us but, now, more than 2 years later, our fights are feeling intense again. We can clear the air and feel loving toward each other but it can be emotionally exhausting. There are times that I cannot handle the intensity of our relationship without medications. But I am sure I would be completely bored without him. No decision is perfect.

I wish you had someone close you could have called who would have come to help you when things got so bad.