hello everyone, im new here on the website, so ill try to intro myself and my issues hope it will not be overr detailed, and youll be able to bare with me
im 33yo woman, and im mentaly healthy apart from mild depression issues, i had since 18yo but nothing severe.
my problems has alwyas been about love and sexualiy. ive had a too much wild teenage life, drinking and having drunk sex and anxious around men.
at 18 ive had a short term relationship (2 months) which really traumatised me, and led me to behave very casually with men, and always runing away and chasing games. so ive dated allot , but things always ended up around 1-2 moths. i had also quiet some casual sex back than.
around 23 i basicaly decided to becaome asexual or not have any romantic life. bcs i felt its just keeps me from being stable, and i wanted to focus on my career, which i decided to be a dancer.
around 29 i started seeking more romantic contacts, and dated some ppl, but again it always ended quite fast.
i do have some confidence about being atractive, bcs i did get attention from men, but i was always ashamed of being a relationship virgin, and this was a skeleton in my closet, that im sure will turn ppl off, or make them feel heavy about being my first bf.
2 years ago, i met someone and after being friends for short, we decided to be togather, but i found that i cant be atracted to him sexually bcs im really sensitive to his body smell.
so now my situation: i met someone online, 7 months ago, and we started dating, he was really after me and into me in the fisrt 3 months, but honestly i didnt see so much into him, and i thought he would be nice guy to spend some time with, and work thruogh some sex issues with, bcs i was struggling after years of celibal.. than i kind of started to like him and feel good around him, but still i didnt feel like seeing more than once a week, and our main activity togather is in bed- but its not kind of autistic isolated sex session, its very warm and intimate, hes a wonderful and caring lover, i feel he really is excited to give me pleasure, and honestly curious to get to know what i like. i feel allot of bliss when we are togather in bed.
but in other areas its less harmonic, as i was pushing him away at the beginning as he wanted to get close too fast, and i was also a bit *****y to him, when he didnt understand stuff i was telling him about, he got hurt, and he became a bit withdrawn in the last 3 months.. it came to a point that he didnt show up to my final show of my studies, and i got angry, and than i understood he was hurt by me and couldnt express it.
i apologised, but im still angry and insulted, as i feel its hard for him to relate to my world, and often, i feel he just listen to me to be polite.
as the first months he was so into me, i never had the need to discuss our "status" of the relationship, we just never spoke about those stuff, bcs i do have allot of shame about being a relationship virgin, but also i wanted to keep dating other guys, so it was comfortable for me to avoid commitment topic.
i also now that he got out of a 6y relatioship which broke his heart totaly, the breakup happend 7/8 months before we met, and he is still not over it.
but in the last 2 months my feelings changed, and i feel like getting to know him, meet his friends, let him meet mine, get involved in eachothers lives etc
about a week ago, before i went on 3 week holiday bymyself, i decided to tell him i want commitment.
it took allot of courage and i told him that ive never been in a relationship longer than 2-3 months, but that we have been dating since 6 months and i want to have a commited relationship in my life, and i need to know if he has the same vision? he said very easily and confidently that he is also wants to be commited to me, and he anyway dosnt like ONS and he is always faithful and never cheated on a woman. BUT he started talking about his ex, and he shifts between anger and hate of how she dumped him to talking about how lovely she was and that he loved her truelly and deeply and he was sure that he will spend his life with her. hes obviuosly still inlove with her.
and he told me i want to be commitet to you, bcs i like you but i dont love you. and also he said- if you would ask me very officialy to be you BF i would maybe be afraid, bcs i never had this timing that a new GF comes so fast after the other. than i asked well why being commited to me dosnt scare you but the title BF does? and i said to him well the titles dosnt matter to me so much (which is a lie bcs to DOES matter to me! but i felt i cant push him to it, so i rather not make an issue, but i am concerend about allot)
so now im confused, bcs im on holiday without him, and after this "relationships talk" he did make some ideas about future plans, like camping on his bday, or joining me when i travel back home, or leting his mom do some sewing of my clothes etc...
BUT he does mention his ex casually in conversation, (not every minute, but relativley often) which makes me really jealous!
and i feel i have allot of tension inside, and more than ALL, im becoming obsessed with my thoughts about him, going over in my head about our past talk, and obsessing on details.
i dont know how i shifted from not carring so much about him, and even not appriciating him, to being so obssesed, i cry allot, bcs i realise that for so many years i have suppressed my need and wish for intimecy, and im so ashamed at making the baby steps of a 18yo when im approaching 34yo.
from one side he is really a caring person, and does like to give, and i really admire that, but i feel the passion and admiration he had for me are fading away, and i now want to be with him more, but i feel anxious and scared to scare him away...
my qustions are:
1. how do i recognise my own feelings? you would say when you cry allot over someone - you must be inlove,but i suspect that there is allot of ego issues of mine involved, and i need to get my feeling strait..
2.what to understand about his behaviour and words about commitment but no bf title??
3. I want to get to know him more, but im afraid that im getting more attached to him, or even falling in love, when it seems that he is still inlove with his ex. It hurts me to think I wont be able to be intimate with him now…
4. I am scared that my lack of experience in relatioships will turn him off, which is my deepest wound and reason for shame
*I am in psychotherapy, and I did consult my friends, but I the relief I get from taling is just for a moment and than I get the thoughts running fast again…

THANK you so much for reading so far, i could really need some advice from your own experience!