Hi PTSD community,

I have been hurt badly in therapy. Now I have PTSD.

Since then I have been re-traumatized. I have had progression and regression in my pursuit of help and sharing my trauma...

I have lost faith in humanity and I want it back. I have lived in the scary dark world for too long and I don't want to stay there. Ultimately I need therapy in order to move forward but that requires me to go back into a very dangerous setting. I have avoided going to a long-term therapist 1 on 1 for quite some time, however, I have made major efforts to battle the fear of the 'professional' mental health community, by going to drop-in style therapy and even to psych-emergency... There were bad experiences and good experiences. I feel like I have made SOME progress, albeit, all it takes to ruin it is another unethical or fallible human being to hurt me.

I want to rewire my brain to trust, but the fear is very logical and it is really tough to intellectualize myself out of fear when it has happened more than once in real life. The healthcare industry is extremely corrupt, unethical and broken. That is a fact, not an opinion, so this makes it even harder to trust humans.

Here is my question.

I am seeing a new therapist and I am struggling with fear and triggers and red flags and all kinds of ruminations. I am very self-aware, so I am able to recognize these thoughts / feelings inside of me and challenge them, however, I am afraid that challenging them could get me hurt even worse... (Letting my guard down makes me vulnerable)

Going through this trauma has made life very lonely and isolating. I am finding it hard NOT to attach to my new therapist despite all the trauma in therapy, and this makes me especially vulnerable. I have been stuck in a trauma bond multiple times in the past (including to the healthcare professionals that hurt me in the past) and I don't want to be in one again. How can I know when the situation is SAFE, and how can I know when the situation is UNSAFE and how do I know when I am right to leave or stay? It is SO frustrating. Last week I got triggered by my therapist and spent the weekend teeter-doddering about quitting therapy! It was absolutely mind boggling how my mind was working overtime and so exhausting.

If she hurts me I don't think I will ever trust another human being, or perhaps I am already there; only time will tell if I can actually open up fully and trust my new Therapist.

How do I deal with this situation? I have never been good at it and always seem to get hurt.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz