Thanks for the response. In the past month, I have worked on getting my act together, and while it has been slow going for a person like me, I think that I am making headway to becoming a better employee.

On the relationship front...I have been seeking the feedback of a friend and colleague who also went through a divorce several years ago. She's been saying "take your time". She knows the both of us. She has reminded me that his loss was just as great as mine and he may still be holding back in order to not be hurt again. So, I will take my time and "enjoy the ride". We do enjoy each other's company and as I have told myself, what better way to get to know a potential partner without all the pressures of "dating". So far, I have not been disappointed. We get along quite well. We don't go on "dates", but have gone out to a matinee movie, have had lunch at a restaurant, have made dinner for one another and have hung out talking and watching TV. It's been quite different for me, because my dating habits before I was married were always hot and heavy from the start...and, they usually didn't last very long. I think that's why I seem a bit frazzled by this "relationship" and haven't been able to make heads or tails of it yet. I keep telling myself that it's ok to just enjoy things because we do laugh and can talk...and sometimes the time goes by so quickly that it's midnight and we've spent hours just talking.

Maybe it is the thrill of this very new adventure that makes it seem or sound like I might be in love. And, I guess only time will tell. I can tell you that is something that I have considered quite a bit these past several weeks. And, while I don't mind the notion, I also don't want that idea to be squashed for any reason. I know that sounds a bit stubborn and unrealistic. But, in my past marriage, as I have had plenty of time to compare my feelings between then and now, I have come to realize that it wasn't me who fell first. I wasn't even sure of getting married to the point that I took a week to give an answer...that should probably have been a big clue right there. Now that I have my independence and really don't need to have anyone around, the idea that I am making the choice this time really excites me. I think that for my own "relationship" growth that I need to understand that I need to be able to feel like I am making my own choices without feeling pressured for any reason. I got married for many reasons, and one of those reasons was it meant that I would no longer be living with my alcoholic mother....very bad I know, trust me. Now, I feel that my independence from alcoholic pressures, from needing to rely on child support (I work 2 jobs to not have to rely), has definetly sparked my interest in this other person and that interest has not waned.

The holidays have been pretty good. I have made choices this season to be happy and to make my kids happy. My ex had actually tried to spend the weekend in my home for Christmas, but I told him to get a hotel room and he spent the day with his children. That made me feel very powerful. My "friendly" interest spent the whole Christmas break out of state. I asked him to give me a call when he returns so that we might get together to celebrate my 100 pounds of weight loss and just catch up on things. Making our visits completely friendly takes away any pressures to behave one way or another and we can just enjoy each other's company.

So, this is where I am. I tend to get intense from time to time, but I guess being able to recognize my intesities and not letting them reflect on anyone else will help with my growth. One day, I think I will have an answer from my friendly interest. I think at some point he will feel strong enough to tell me he likes me...and he will have made his decision to either persue something more with me, or will be happy just being my friend.