Perhaps everyone's depression and SI is different but for me SI is a type of lie. Rather than facing up to something, it becomes easier to distract yourself with the thought of killing yourself. Sometimes what you are distracting yourself from is emotions below the surface that you do not want to deal with. These emotions cause a lot of confusion and strange things to happen. I am not experiencing any SI right now--only remembering what caused mine in the past just in case my experience might help someone with a similiar type of SI....

I hope you figure out why you constantly want to die Whisperingskye. It is not normal. Keep posting about it. Keep looking for help. You are a really sweet person--we don't want to lose you!!!!