I'm a 24 year old Indian Muslim. This is my first ever post on a public forum. Some time back my ex boyfriend made a sex tape with me without me knowing about it. I found out about it a few days back and have been completely devastated ever since. I feel like my world is falling apart. The walls are caving in on me and I feel so broken. People have mocked me, spoken behind my back, and I don't really have anyone to call my own. Being a Muslim is part of the problem because that just makes the judgement 10x worse. I know what I did was wrong according to my religion, and I repented just after committing this sin, even before I knew about the existence of the tape. Now I'm not a very religious person but i do know that our God forgives all sins and I have begged for His mercy and for my life to turn around. My biggest fear and one that keeps me up all night, is my family finding out about this. I've known to be the star kid, and I just can't disappoint them. I do not want to be a disgrace to my family all because of one childish mistake. I am a single girl, things like these don't end well for us from where I come from. The people all around me, my friends and family will never forgive me for this. Nobody would want to marry me due to my baggage and I will die alone. I feel like I'm incapable of being loved. The one person I did reach out to, decided to leave. It might be hard for most of you to understand, but I'm sure it's understandable to the Muslims/Christians.
Please help me. I do not want this mistake to define my future.
I feel like my life is over. I've lost the will to participate in real life. Nothing makes me happy. I'm anxious and very lonely. I blame nobody but myself for my mistakes. Even though I've sworn i'd never make these mistakes again, I feel like life would never give me another chance. I just want to stop existing but I can not commit suicide because I can not hurt my parents. I want this pain to stop. I have trust issues because of this. I feel so alone in this dirty world. I want a fresh start. I want things to turn around. I don't want these horrible thoughts anymore. I want to be kind and gentle to myself but instead all I do is hate myself.